She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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