You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
