My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
