Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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