wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
