i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
