I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
