Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
