Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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