i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
