My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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