I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
