and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
