I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He felt like a one man threesome
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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