PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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