the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
