u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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