theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
