are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
