Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
This toilet bowl is my home.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
