I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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