didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
