4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
His nipple licking is glorious
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