I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
