My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
