my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
