at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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