i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
