things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
