I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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