i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
