I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
