Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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