Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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