ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
