he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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