I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
