Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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