I wish life had little blips of pornography
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
