you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
