I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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