Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
