At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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