I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
