hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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