I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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