I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
