I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Let's paint friendship bongs
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
