he puts the penis in happiness.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
