The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
